Never Know

I may never know why these things happen to me.
The causes?
Was it me, what could I have done?
What did I do?
Breaking down the confidence I have, or just a test for myself  to see if I am who I thought.
I may never know why you've chosen to do this to me?
To be so far in between.
So distant to say the least.
Off a cliff, it seems.
Who is at the bottom though?
Climbing my way up.
As you turn your back as if the push came from thin air.

Your way of dealing with things. Not mine.
I can only control how I deal with what is given.
Well if shit is given to me, why not make it fertilizer and spread it.

JKKKKK

I'm not thaaaaaat shallow.
only just as a puddle on this melty day.

Take What You Need

Who tells you you're not good enough?
Most likely no one actually says this to you.
If they do... Listen.
Listen carefully and deeply.
Is it because you are too good or because they were confused and should have said they aren't good enough but pin it on you instead.

Maybe it's you saying to yourself that you're not good enough.
How do you make yourself believe this?

Having experienced many things, you'll learn this as you go.
You'll learn the importance of having that morning brew ready to go.
You'll learn it's pivotal to appreciate your own accomplishments.
Silently, in your heart scream as loud as you can that you have pride in who you are.
Why?
Because you are something. Something special, you mystical creature, you.
You are you.
Do it.
Whatever it is that you want to do.

As much as I am writing this for those who maybe are listening, it's for me.
I am good enough.
I am proud.
I am me.
I can do this.
Any mountain, let's climb it.

Good?

How do you know, how will you ever know?
One couldn't be sure by the words spoken, because what if they know just exactly what you want to hear?
The actions done, well hell, can just as well be undone by the succeeding.
Mind is spinning with thoughts and images and feelings.
Feelings that have developed out of where?
If the actions and the words are nothing, how could something be created from thus?
It's me, right?
I'm the one making them into something when simply they truly are nothing.
Nothing is all.
Nothing is well.
How are you, what are you doing?
Nothing well that's just nothing
you see because nothing is good?
Good?
What is good?
Nerves, one could tell that I've got them built up and bundled like DNA.
Maybe it's in my DNA maybe i'm not "fit" for this.
Well I am quite fit indeed, but seeming to attract some that are maybe not built the same.
Men are literal, and I am as well so how is it that there can be room for such misunderstanding?
I love you?
Me or the idea of you and me naked in between your sheets?
I am honest.
I am truthful.
I am respectable.
As were you that Friday night, so why is it that I feel something has changed?
Changed well fuck I wouldn't know?
Numb to this numb to it all.
I'll wait.
I'm good enough.
Damn it.
There is no league to which I do not fall.
Put me in a box; I will stay there.
I will not uproot the dignity I have been grown to have within myself.
I will not fall.
But hell, i'll fall for you.

Wanting To Fill

Over and done,
That's what I am.
With Him.
It's true.
He's well, and it is with my soul.
To what next?
Oh brother we may never know.
Wherever it takes me, this winding trail-head.
My mind filled with corruption of the past.
The future, is what I have to look forward to.
Trying to make the past as my future will only further corrupt it,
As if I have any power over anything that happens in the realm of life.
I can make someone smile, I can make them laugh
Those things though, those things don't change what is to come
Hopeless romantic, yep that's me.
Hopeless though, nah.
That's not me.

Sorry i am.

Mistakes i make, on the daily basis.

Yeah, I'm trying to pull myself up out of this hole. 

Hole that i've put myself in. 

i mess up. 

A lot. 

It's not the end of the world, no not the little things.

Just when they add up it seems to be.

Apologize i must. 

Difficult i know. 

Self centered was i, in the ways i have acted.

Yes, that is true.

Small i, i know to show my insignificance.

Sorry must i be, sorry i am. 

Wanting

wrap your life around mine.

give me the feeling that your life would be nothing without

tell me i'm your all, and show it through your every move

i want to be in love, with the feeling of being loved

what is it like? 

may I never know? 

keep doing "me"

why is this impossible for me to do specifically

wanting something i have never known. 

i shouldn't have to beg, plead, or even ask

wrap your life around me. 

Impacted

People come, people go.
this is said so often, as if it is commonly known.
Which it is, in it's nature.
Is the meaning or the phrase known?
People come into my life and I let them in.
Door wide open, I share my all.
Everyone takes a bite of me.
Is there nothing left to give?
My heart is overflowing.
Giving I want to for all.
I mustn't if I want to stay as a pillar of my own.
Hopeless romantic I suppose one could say.
Each being has something to offer;
I seek it out.
Not egocentric, nor self absorbed.
Just broken from the core.
Trying to find the glue.
But who?
Who can supply the pieces given away and connect them back together?
Where?
Searching I feel I must, innately.
Content must I be.
One mold or another, I don't fit.